Ok, now for the ironic side of the last entry.
There is one lesson that I have been taught repeatedly over the last few years. It's quite simple, but evidently I have a difficult time letting it stick. The lesson is this: I am not God.
"You know, you're kinda like God to me," she'd said. Oh goodness, child, please phrase that sentence differently! Let me explain my severe discomfort.
A week after hearing this phrase, I found myself surrounded by girls in sorrow and pain. Naturally, I loved on them. I hugged and listened and questioned and prayed and cried. The floodgates of hurt flew open in a fashion that I know began by God's leading: that was the only time this summer that I felt that I needed to have this particular worship. And there was a healthy space for it. There were words that needed to be said and heard. There were hugs that needed to be received.
But somehow it became unhealthy very quickly. I became an emotional crutch for a number of children. Very subtly, my focus became problem-solving: how can I help/fix/restore? Yet whose mind should be on these matters, mine or God's? How embarrassing it is to examine this in retrospect. But in the midst of it all, I was a blinded wreck--emotionally, physically (late night conversations were taking a toll on all of us), and spiritually. Thankfully, I have people in my life willing to continue sentences that start with, "I know you won't want to hear this…" Camp isn't therapy was the gist of that conversation. Also, Katelyn has limits.
God doesn't have limits. Katelyn has limits. And sometimes, most of the time, God will bring healing to someone without using Katelyn as a primary conduit. I wrote a while back about the concept of serving a limitless God. I think limits and inabilities and problems crop up when the emphasis on serving God and following His lead is disregarded. The more the focus is on me and what I can do, the more problematic the situation becomes.
Codependency. I don't like that word. I like even less that I participate in it. I'm working on that. I'm realizing that I have been given gifts and abilities that can be of great benefit to others in their walks. But if I am making a significant appearance on a stage set for God and His child, I think I can often be of more harm to all of us than the help I may intend. Restoration is something that God alone can provide for people. When I try to provide it, I become less of a friend and more of a crutch. And really, I don't want people to hobble through life with me supporting their weight; I want people to be healed.
God's working on restoring me. Ultimately, I want to see Him restore and heal those around me. And for that to happen, I just might have to take a step back and let that happen. Because I'm not God.