"Speaking of unknown variables..."
I was not in a good state. I had signed up for an interview with two leaders of an Adventist conference who were coming to Walla Walla, looking to fill two pastoral positions for the next year. I had signed my name in the final slot of the day so that they could meet me and determine whether or not I should be added to the team.
And quite honestly, I was the most nervous I have ever been in years. Panicked.
Why this panic? Because it was to be my first interview for a "real job?" Because questions on doctrine and theology were fair game? Because there were many seniors here and elsewhere competing for only two positions? None of these reasons brought this type of panic to my soul. No, the culprit was much deeper, rooted in a fear I've had brewing in my bones for a long time now.
The over-arching fear that I will not find a job, a life, in ministry.
When I write it and say it, a slough of responses jump to my mind: there is a huge spectrum of different ministry positions, you're bound to get something; even if you don't get a job in ministry, you can always get another job and volunteer for the things you want to do; and whether you get such a job or not, God won't waste your education and passions.
All excellent points, Katelyn. Thank you.
The fact remains that my heart simply breaks at the thought of not working a ministry position, where I can get paid to be with people and God all day everyday. And while the job with volunteer ministry on the side is a wonderful idea, I know myself: the more things I participate in and add into my schedule, the worse off I am. My soul, it seems, was made for simplicity.
The idea of not finding myself in such a position simply scares me. What else could I do? What else do I have the skill set and education to do? Most of the time it doesn't feel like much.
I'm doing what I believe in: pursuing a career that would be fulfilling, that wouldn't feel like work. Sometimes, though, it would be kind of nice to want to be something with a little more security, perhaps a nurse or an accountant or a waitress.
I did a trust fall a couple weeks ago. And while I trusted the group of wonderful people who caught me, my heart still sped up and I took a few seconds to commit to falling backwards. I trust God. I believe He gave me my passions and abilities for a reason, not to just have me fall and hit the cold, hard ground. It still took a long time to fully convince me to turn around, interlock my hands, and fall backwards. But now I've left the ledge, embraced the pursuit for which my heart feels crafted. And I'm just waiting to be caught, my stomach turning as I free-fall.
I believe God's got something great in store for me, that He has a reason for molding the longings of my heart just so. I believe He will catch me.
Falling just always feels longer than you'd expect.
YES.
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